THIS MONTH’S TOPIC

Guilty Anger   Addressing the hidden aspect of taking care of an ill loved one.

During the care of my mother, I found myself experiencing feelings I was not proud of and felt quilt for even thinking of them. I asked myself how could even begin to want her to pass or be angry at her for her stubbornness and pain. It dawned on me during a particularly distressing day for all concerned that I am only human and not a saint. Of course, I am going to feel those feelings, it is our self-protection. This epiphany did not absolve me from those feelings but helped me face them and be more compassionate with myself.

WHEN WILL IT END

During the care of my mother, I experienced quilt feelings and these three stood out:

1_Wanting the constant moving and routine to end

2_Anger toward my mother for being ill and becoming someone, I did not recognize.

3_Wondering when she will pass.

THE REALITY

Our emotional make-up does not thrive on constant sadness, before long tiredness, guilt, anger, and depression will rear its ugly head. Holding these emotions in does not help us during these stressful times. It is far better to release these emotions/feelings by bringing them out into the light.

A NUDGE IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION

I urge you to find someone to talk over your concerns regarding any negative feelings you might be experiencing. For myself, writing helped to bring my negative feelings into the open, forcing me to see I had to adjust my attitude and face them.

FORGIVENESS

During the care of my mother, I often would get short with her, and would feel bad afterwards. She never showed that it bothered her except she would remind me she was still in charge and my mother. In facing my shortcomings and forgiving myself, nothing magically got better or ended but I did feel better. It forced me to choose to either to remain miserable or accept the inevitable and move forward armed with a renewed strength.

NEW FOCUS

Instead of focusing on the drudgery part of it, I turned my focus to my mother and being with her, talking with her and enjoying her company for the time I had left. In doing so, I found that the rest did not seem to be a big burden as it had before. And the biggest blessing I attained was more enjoyable, quality time with my mother.

ADDITIONAL HELP

This site said it best:

by Janna Kontz, chaplain

“The best way to deal with this quilt is to talk to a trusted friend, pastor, or hospice professional. Guilt thrives in the dark. Once it is brought out, into the light, guilt can often be resolved to help caregivers through difficult decisions and difficult challenges.”

https://www.hrrv.org/blog/coping-with-guilt-as-a-caregiver/

Another site suggests:

How do you deal with guilty feelings?

Forgive yourself:

1. Take responsibility for your actions.
2. Express remorse and regret without letting it transform into shame.
3. Commit to making amends for any harm caused.

• Practice self-acceptance and trust yourself to do better in the future.

Healthline

https://www.healthline.com › how-to-stop-feeling-guilty